My Heart Is Still Yours
by Topsy
Summary: Carol sinks into depression......


Please title this page. (Page 1)

---+--- 

July 13, 2001 

---+--- 

This is going to be based on "Rites of Spring". Carol got hit in the stomach by that foster kid. She had Mark check for a fetal heartbeat on the ultrasound and they don't find one. Mark says it's probably too early to see one on a regular ultrasound, so he makes an appointment for her to have a vaginal ultrasound. Well, on the show, they found one. This is going to be MY version on what COULD HAVE happened, not what did. Also, Carol never sent Doug the fax about her being pregnant. So he doesn't know. 

---+--- 

"Dr. Coburn?" Carol looked quickly at the doctor, then back to the screen where the ultrasound was showing. Dr. Coburn didn't reply. "Dr. Coburn, do you see anything?" Carol asked again, becoming frantic. Dr. Coburn shook her head a bit but continued looking. "Please!" Carol whispered fiercely. Finally Dr. Coburn turns back to her. 

"I'm sorry, Carol." Carol froze and stared at her. She shook her head fiercely. 

"No, you're wrong. Check again." Carol said. Dr. Coburn shook her head. 

"Carol, you've had a miscarriage." Dr. Coburn said gently. The tears began to fall slowly, dripping softly down Carol's face. "I think you should have a procedure done called D&C, dilatation and curettage, which is a procedure in which we dilate you and extract the fetus by scraping it off the uterine wall. You may have heard of it." Dr. Coburn said quietly. Carol wiped at her face, struggling to listen. "I can do it if you'd like. Or I can get someone else." 

"No..You do it." Carol said and a strangled sob escaped. Dr. Coburn stood and smiled weakly. 

"I'll give you a few minutes. I'll be back with the equipment and everything." Carol nodded as Dr. Coburn turned and left the room, followed by the nurse who had been assisting her. Carol brought her hands up to her face and scrubbed them deeply. The need to cry was great, but she didn't give in, figuring she should try and relax. She could cry later. In privacy. 

Minutes later Dr. Coburn came in with the same nurse and some more equipment. It was all so cold, Carol thought staring at the metal. It wasn't natural. She sighed deeply and listened numbly to Dr. Coburn's instructions. 

She lay still while Dr. Coburn did the procedure and stared at the ceiling tiles, gazing at the places where it was stained and rotting. When Carol glanced back at Dr. Coburn she saw another odd look on the doctor's face. 

"What?" She whispered. Dr. Coburn didn't reply. Carol sat up a bit. 

"Relax." Dr. Coburn murmured. 

"What is it?" Carol asked. "Something else is wrong!" Carol exclaimed. 

"No, Carol, lay still." Dr. Coburn looked directly at her, ordering Carol in the calm voice of hers. Carol lay back but kept her eyes fixed on Dr. Coburn's face. "Give me a minute. Then I'll talk." Carol nodded as tears filled her eyes again. What now? What else could possibly go wrong? 

Carol watched as Dr. Coburn and the nurse talked under their breath and the nurse nodded. She took a tray with a small plastic container that Dr. Coburn had handed her. Carol had not been able to see what was inside, but she knew. Dr. Coburn snapped off her gloves and cleaned Carol up. 

"You can put your legs down. Get dressed and I'll get cleaned up and when I come back in, we'll talk." Carol simply stared at her. "Okay, Carol?" Carol nodded and sniffed. 

"Okay." She whispered. Dr. Coburn turned and exited the room. Numbly, Carol got dressed once again. Soon enough, Dr. Coburn was back in the room and Carol was sitting on the exam table. 

"What was it?" Carol asked wearily, no longer afraid to know. She was too numb to care. 

"When I retracted the fetus I retracted two." Carol shook her head a bit. 

"Two?" Carol paused. "Twins?" Dr. Coburn nodded grimly. 

"Yes, you were going to have twins." Going to have, Carol thought. She nodded silently and looked down at her hands. 

"Alright." Carol whispered. Dr. Coburn sighed inwardly. 

"Do you have anyone I can call?" 

"No. I uh..I'll talk to Mark. Dr. Greene, downstairs." 

"Go home, Carol. Don't work today." Carol nodded slightly. 

"Okay." 

"Now, if you experience any pain, anything too intense, give me a call, okay?" 

"Sure." Carol nodded and smiled weakly. She slid off the exam table and took her coat into her hands. "Thank you, Dr. Coburn." Dr. Coburn smiled slightly. 

"Sure. Get some rest." Dr. Coburn touched Carol's hand gently. 

--+-- 

"Mark?" He whirled around at the sound of Carol's voice. 

"Oh, Carol. Hey, how'd it go?" He asked. She looked around. 

"Can we go in the lounge?" She asked. He nodded and led her into the empty lounge. 

"So, what happened?" He asked. She looked up at him. 

"I had a miscarriage." She said, deciding not to tell him about the other fetus. He sighed gruffly and pulled her into a hug. 

"I'm sorry, Carol." She nodded and hugged him briefly before pulling away. "You should go home. No more working for you today. I want you to go home and get into bed." She nodded. 

"Dr. Coburn said I should." She smiled meekly. "Thanks Mark." 

"Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?" She shook her head. 

"Just, don't tell anyone, please. I don't want everyone to know." He nodded. 

"Alright. I promise." She smiled and turned, leaving the lounge and heading out of the ER. 

--+-- 

As soon as Carol entered her house, she burst into tears. She made her way to the couch and sat down, curling herself into a ball. She laid her hands on her stomach and sobbed. 

"I'm..sorry, babies....I'm...so...sorry." She gulped for air and buried her face into a pillow. "Oh Doug." She whimpered, needing him now. 

--+-- 

Later that night as Carol lay on the couch, trying to sleep, she knew she wouldn't tell Doug. Her sadness had turned into bitter anger. This never would have happened if he was here, she thought. Even as she blamed him, she knew it was no one's fault. But she needed to blame someone. To blame him. 

Damn the world. 

---+--- 

For the next two weeks, Mark noticed Carol's moods were becoming worse. She was either putting on a happy front and trying to convince everyone that she was alright, even though Mark was the only one who knew what had happened, or she was silent and didn't talk much to anyone, or she was angry and snapped at people. 

Everyone at work was becoming wary to be around her. Most of them had all tried to ask her what was wrong at one point, but she either lied or gotten angry. Now most of them avoided her unless they absolutely needed her for something. Mark was the only one who tried to continue treating her normally, despite the fact that she snapped at him. 

Finally Mark decided to talk to Carol, really talk to her and see if he could do something, or at least listen. 

"Carol?" 

"Yea?" 

"I need to talk to you. In the lounge, please." Carol looked up at him and stared for a few moments before she nodded. 

"Alright." She followed him to the lounge. "What is it?" Carol asked. 

"Why don't we sit?" Mark suggested. Carol raised an eyebrow but she sat beside him on the couch. 

"Mark.." Carol trailed off as she watched him. 

"Are you alright, Carol?" Mark asked. She shrugged. 

"Yeah. I'm fine." Mark shook his head. 

"No, Carol, really. How are you doing? I know this couldn't have been easy for you. I know it hasn't been. You've not been sleeping. You've lost weight. Your friends are worried about you and asking about you." Carol sighed. 

"Mark, I'll be okay, really. I just...I need some time to get over this. I want to work, because if I don't I just sit at home, wondering what to do. I have to work, Mark. But you can't just expect me to get over this like that." Carol snaps. He nods. 

"I know. I don't expect anything. I just want to help you. Make sure you're alright." 

"I'm fine." Carol said with a small smile. "It'll take me awhile to get back together, but...I'll do it." 

"Did you tell Doug?" Mark asked. Carol's head turned sharply. 

"No. He doesn't need to know." Carol said. 

"Carol..The baby.." 

"No, Mark. Doug left his rights behind when he left me." Carol said fiercely as if she herself was trying to convince herself of that. Mark shook his head. 

"You should tell him, Carol." 

"Mark, I'm not going to tell him." She looked at him. "And neither are you." Mark shifted. 

"Carol.." 

"No, Mark. I want your word that you won't tell him." Mark shrugged. 

"Fine, I promise I won't tell Doug about the miscarriage." 

"Thank you." Carol stood. "I really should get back to work." She smiled weakly at Mark. "I'll be okay." 

---+--- 

Mark gave Carol another week, but when her attitude didn't improve and she still wasn't sleeping or eating he decided to call Doug. 

"Hello?" Doug answered his phone in Seattle. 

"Hey, Doug, it's Mark." 

"Oh, hey, buddy. It's been awhile." Doug said. 

"Yeah, it has been. I'm sorry about that." Mark hadn't called, only because he felt it would betray Carol. 

"Ah, it's alright. I understand." Doug said. And he did. "So, uh, what's going on?" Doug asked. They talked for a few minutes, just relaying news to each other and talking like old friends do. But then Mark suddenly shifted the topic. 

"Doug, something happened." Mark said. 

"What? Is Carol alright?" Doug asked, his voice laced with worry. 

"Carol's...Well, she's not alright." 

"Oh God, Mark, what happened?" 

"Doug, I can't tell you what happened. Carol made me promise I wouldn't tell you. But she never made me promise not to call you. So, I'm calling and telling you that you need to come back." 

"Is she hurt? Is she sick?" 

"She's not hurt...And she's not..sick in the way you mean. Doug, listen. Something happened to Carol three weeks ago and she's been emotionally withdrawn from everyone. She's becoming depressed and I'm just trying to help. I don't want to see anything happen to her." Again, they both thought. 

"What happened, Mark?" 

"I promised her I wouldn't tell. You should come and see her for yourself. She refuses to call you and I know that you're exactly what she needs right now. She'd be the last to admit it, but she's hurting, terribly, over what happened and she needs you." 

"Mark, I'll be there. I don't know when, but as soon as I can." 

"Alright. Call me if you need anything. A ride or something." 

"Um, does Carol work tomorrow?" Doug asked. 

"She's got the nightshift tonight and gets off at six in the morning. She doesn't work the rest of the day tomorrow." 

"Great. Thanks, Mark. I'll call you later." Doug said. Mark nodded. 

"Alright. Bye Doug." 

"Bye Mark." They hung up the phone and Doug took a deep breath. Mark sighed and hoped he was right to do this. 

--+-- 

Doug stood on Carol's doorstep, staring at the door. He wasn't sure whether to knock or to turn around and go back to his rental car. He'd already been to his hotel and taken his stuff there and he'd come out to her house on impulse. It was eleven o'clock in the morning and he hoped she was awake, considering Mark said she'd only gotten home five hours ago. 

He reached up and knocked before he could change his mind. Within seconds he heard Carol rustling around inside before she opened the door. She stood still, frozen to the spot when she saw him. They simply stared at each other for a minute before Doug finally shifted on his feet. 

"Can I..uh, can I come in?" He asked. Carol meant to close the door in his face, but she found herself opening it up and letting him in. When he walked into the house, he saw that the TV was on and there was a blanket and pillow on the couch. She hadn't been sleeping, he didn't think. Finally Carol turned. 

"What're you doing here?" She meant for it to come out in an angry voice but she just sounded weary. 

"Mark called." Carol's eyes widened. 

"He told you.." She let the words trail off. 

"No, he just told me that something happened and that I should come and see you. He wouldn't tell me what because he said you made him promise." Doug said. Carol relaxed a bit. 

"Nothing happened." Carol said indignantly. 

"If nothing happened then why were you so worried that Mark told me something?" Doug asked. Carol knew she was trapped. 

"Nothing happened that concerns you." Oh, if you only knew, Carol's heart cried. 

"Carol, tell me what's wrong. I can tell something happened. You've lost weight and you've not been sleeping. He reached out to rub his thumbs under her eyes but she stepped back. She couldn't let him touch her, not now. 

"Doug, I think you should go now." He shrugged. 

"Not until you tell me what happened." She stood her ground. 

"Leave." 

"Carol.." 

"I didn't ask for you to come back. You left and now whatever happens to me is my business and no one elses. Mark just happened to find out." Carol said. 

"You are my business." Carol shook her head. 

"No, I'm not." 

"I love you, Carol. And that makes you and your problems my business." She shook her head and her eyes filled with tears. 

"You think that just because you love me and then you left me that I'm still your business? No, Doug, that's not how it works. I think you should go now. I'm done with this." She said and turned and headed into the kitchen. He didn't follow her but watched her through open wall. 

"Carol.." He trailed off. She didn't answer him. He sighed and turned on his heel and walked out of her house. Carol slid to the floor and began to sob. 

When Doug got into his car he started it up and immediately reached for his cell phone. He pulled onto the road and dialed Mark's number, prepared to leave a message on Mark's machine. But Mark picked up. 

"Hey, Mark, I was expecting the answering machine." Doug said. Mark nodded. 

"Yeah, well, here I am. Are you in Chicago?" 

"Yeah, I just left Carol's house." Doug replied. 

"Oh..How'd it go?" 

"Not good. She wouldn't tell me what happened and she basically kicked me out." Doug said. Mark sighed. 

"Give her some time. How long are you staying?" 

"As long as it takes." Doug said. Mark nodded. 

"Well, that may be awhile. You know how stubborn she is." Doug nodded. 

"Yes, I know. But I can't leave her, not when she looks like that." Doug sighed and brought up the image of Carol in her robe which now was too big for her. He noticed the sickly paleness of her skin, the bags under her eyes, and the dullness of her hair. And how beautiful she still was despite everything. 

"I'll talk to her, see what I can do." Mark said. 

"Alright. Call me after you do." 

"Sure thing. See you later, Doug." 

"Bye Mark." 

Almost as soon as they hung up the phone, Carol had finished her crying spell. She was upset and angry now, with Mark. So she dialed his number. 

"Hello?" 

"Dammit, Mark, I told you not to call him!" 

"No, Carol, you told me not to tell him what happened. I didn't. I called him and told him you were making yourself sick." 

"I'm not sick, Mark!" 

"You're not eating or sleeping. You're making yourself sick." Mark said. Carol sighed. 

"Mark, all I want is to get on with my life. I can't do that if you are interfering and calling Doug every time something goes wrong. 

"Something didn't go wrong, Carol. You know you need him. That's why you're like this." Mark said. 

"No. I'm like this because I lost...." She stopped and took a deep breath. "I told you I'd be okay." 

"That was a week ago and you've gotten worse, not improved." Carol stayed silent. "Carol, Doug deserves to know." Mark said softly. "You're grieving. Don't you think it's fair that he gets to grieve to?" Mark asked. Carol still didn't speak but she'd never thought of it that way. "Carol, put yourself in Doug's shoes." 

"Mark, that's not the way things are!" Carol said. 

"Just listen to me. You're Doug. You left the woman you love more than anything because you didn't have a job. But before you left you were trying to have a child, for a long time. Doug told me about it the day he left. He was upset because you wouldn't be having his child afterall and that was what he wanted more than anything in the world. So then you leave. Then your girlfriend finds out she's pregnant with your baby but she doesn't tell you. Then she has a miscarriage and still doesn't tell you. Wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want to grieve for your child?" 

"Yes." Carol whispered after a moment's thought. 

"And that's exactly how you know Doug would feel. He has a right, Carol. Just because he left doesn't change that. He was still the baby's father." Mark said. Babies, Carol thought. 

"I know you're right, Mark. But..I can't tell him." Carol said. 

"Yes, you can." Mark said. Carol sighed. 

"I'll think about it." Carol said. Mark sighed. 

"Doug told me he's going to be staying for awhile." Mark said. Carol nodded. 

"Alright." She murmured. 

"I don't want to see you at work tomorrow. I want you to work on getting back on your feet." Mark said. Carol sighed. 

"Mark.." 

"No, just one day off. Do it, Carol." 

"Alright." She sighed. 

"Good. I'll see you the day after tomorrow then." 

"Okay. Bye." Carol said. 

"Goodbye, Carol." They hung up. 

Mark immediately called Doug back on the number Doug had left him. 

"Hello?" Doug asked, picking up the phone as he made his way up to his room in the hotel. 

"Doug.." 

"Mark.." 

"She called me right after we hung up. I think you should go see her tonight, I think she'll tell you. But you should give her a few hours to digest everything." Mark said. Doug nodded. 

"Alright. I'll see if she wants to go out to dinner. I'll try to get her to eat." Doug said. Mark nodded. 

"Okay. Call me sometime and let me know what's going on." Mark said. 

"Sure, Mark. I'll see you." 

"Bye." 

--+-- 

A few hours later, Doug showed up at Carol's doorstep, a boquet of pink roses in his arms. He wanted to do this right, he wanted to show her that he loved her and that she could trust him. He sighed and knocked on the door. Carol opened it. She was now wearing ratty old jeans and an oversize tank top. Her hair was pulled up into a messy pony tail. Doug thought she looked amazing. She smiled at the roses. 

"Doug, they're beautiful." She said. He smiled and handed them to her. 

"I just...I wanted to bring you something.." He trailed off. She nodded. 

"C'mon in." She said and left the door open for him as she walked into the kitchen to put the flowers into some water. He sat on a stool in the kitchen and watched her as she arranged them to suit her. Then she placed them on the counter between the kitchen and living room. 

"Thank you." She said and made her way into the living room. He slid off the stool and sat beside her on the couch, somewhat surprised by her new attitude. She sighed and looked up at him. 

"I didn't expect to see you again today." Carol said. 

"Mark called and told me I should come again." Doug said. Carol nodded and smiled slightly as she studied her hands. Doug took advantage of the silence. "I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner or something." Carol looked at her outfit. 

"I don't exactly look nice enough to go somewhere." She said and smiled. He smiled. 

"You look beautiful. We can eat here if you'd like, I could fix something." She nodded. 

"That would be nice, I don't feel much like going out." She said. He nodded and got ready to stand to go into the kitchen. But her hand reached out and grabbed his, stopping him. He lowered himself back onto the couch. She smiled nervously. 

"Mark was right. You do deserve to know what happened." Carol said. Doug let out a silent sigh of relief. 

"Okay." He said softly, cautiously. Carol took a deep breath and began. 

"Three weeks ago, I got hit in the stomach by an angry foster child." Carol said. Doug's brow puckered and he wondered what that had to do with anything. Carol gathered Doug's hands into hers and looked directly into his eyes. "I was pregnant." The words stopped him, shocked him. She was pregnant, oh God, was. Not anymore. 

"Carol..." She held a finger to silence him. 

"Doug..I..The impact caused a miscarriage. I was spotting and cramping so I had Mark do an ultrasound. He didn't find anything on the regular one, so Dr. Coburn did a vaginal one. She said I'd had a miscarriage, or at least, I would eventually. There was no heartbeat." Doug's hands gripped hers and she looked down at them. "So, she did something called dilatation and curettage, you may have heard of it." Doug nodded in confirmation. Carol took a deep breath. "This part nobody else knows. I didn't even tell Mark. When she retracted the fetus, she found more than one. There was two fetuses." 

"Twins." Doug whispered. Carol nodded and her eyes filled with tears. "I..mananged to hold myself together at the hospital. But when I got home I fell apart and ever since I just....You left and that was..that broke my heart but then I found out I was pregnant and part of me was thrilled because I'd always have a part of you with me. The other part didn't want a child because you wouldn't be there to share it. But you could say the pregnancy partially healed me. Then I had the miscarriage. Everything fell apart. I wasn't going to have your children. I wasn't going to have you. I saw no reason to go on." Carol was crying at this point. She looked up at Doug and let out a small sob. "But I couldn't do what I did last time. I wanted to die, but I couldn't do it." She sobbed. Doug gathered her into his arms and rocked her. She clung to him and cried fiercely. 

Doug's entire being was grieving. For the children that wouldn't be and for Carol who had had to go through everything, alone. He rubbed a hand over her back and felt her hot tears soak through his t-shirt. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't here." He murmured into her ear as she cried. "I should have been, but I wasn't and you had to deal with that alone." He sighed and cuddled her close as her sobs turned to hiccups. "I wish you would have told me sooner." He brushed his lips against her hair and she let herself be held. Doug just sat and cradled her, sensing her exhaustion. Soon enough she was asleep. 

Doug scooted down so he was lying down with her on his chest. He shifted her to the side and onto the couch beside him. Then he turned and covered her body with his gently, so she was cradled against the couch and his chest. He wrapped his arms around her as best he could and cuddled her close as he himself fell asleep, hoping she slept for a long while. 

--+-- 

Carol awoke to darkness and the feel of a hard body against hers. She was a bit disoriented at first before she remembered Doug had come. Doug was there, holding her in his arms. She snuggled closer and then wondered what time it was. She lifted her head and saw that it was three thirty-three in the morning. She blinked, thinking she read that wrong. She'd been asleep for nearly ten hours? That had to be wrong. But the clock said three thirty-three a.m. and she knew it was right. 

Carol pressed a soft kiss to Doug's jaw before she snuggled under his arms and drifted back to sleep. 

--+-- 

Doug woke an hour after Carol had fallen back to sleep. When he himself saw the clock, he couldn't believe his eyes. Eleven hours? Well, he hadn't been sleeping well himself and on top of that was jet lag, so he figured he deserved those eleven hours. And plus, Carol was still here, in his arms, sleeping soundly. He smiled and watched her sleep for a few minutes before realizing he needed to use the restroom. He tried to slide off the couch without waking Carol but she clutched his shirt, wide awake when she realized he was leaving. 

He bent on the floor and took her face into his hands. 

"I'll be right back. I just need to use the restroom." She nodded and let go of him before curling up onto the couch. She listened as he made his way through the house and into the bathroom. She waited until she heard the door reopen and listened as he padded back to the couch. 

"Sorry." Carol whispered as he lay beside her once more. 

"Why?" Doug asked. 

"You didn't have to sleep out here with me." He smiled. 

"When was the last time you slept more than two hours at a time? Let alone for eleven in a row?" Doug asked. She shrugged. 

"Two hours? It's been awhile. Eleven hours? Forever, if ever." Carol said. He chuckled and gathered her close to his chest again. 

"Well, it's four thirty in the morning. Too early to get up." He said. She nodded. 

"Too early." She agreed. 

"Go back to sleep." 

"I'm not tired anymore." She said. He smiled. 

"Neither am I." She looked up into his eyes and smiled in return. 

"Doug?" She lifted a hand to his face. 

"Hm?" 

"I love you." She said. A warm smile spread over his face and he kissed her nose. 

"And I love you." He said. She grinned and wrapped her arms around his waist. They stayed silent for a few minutes before Carol spoke up again. 

"Are you going back?" She asked. 

"Back?" He asked. "Oh..To Seattle?" He felt her nod against his chest. "No." He decided right then and there. "I hated it. I hated being up there without you. I'm going to stay. I don't know what I'll do for work, but I'll figure something out." 

"Mercy's looking for a new pediatrician in the ER." Doug looked down at her. 

"They are?" She nodded. 

"I heard it at work and I just...thought about you." Carol said. Doug smiled. 

"I'll call them and see if they'll take me." Doug said. Carol smiled. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I'd rather work with you, but the chances of being hired back to County are very, very slim." He said. She nodded. 

"Yeah. They've not gotten a new pediatrician yet." 

"Still, do you realize the chances of me going back there?" She nodded. 

"I know." She lifted her head. "Doug?" 

"Yeah?" He ran a finger over her cheek. 

"Make love to me. Right here in the dark, on the couch." Carol said. Doug chuckled. 

"Carol Hathaway, I love you more than anything." He said and pressed his lips against hers before she could reply. She sighed softly and wrapped her arms around his neck. He was home, at last. 

---+--- 


End file.
